I have been writing about this pregnancy since the day I knew I was pregnant, and now I can finally publish the entries. This first one is about when I realised I was pregnant, and taking the first test.
Thursday 12th October:
"I’m so sure this is it. I have a pain in my back and a tugging in my heart. And a voice in my head saying don’t get carried away, it’s still too early to know. Or to test. I do believe in gut feelings, but I had no idea I was pregnant with Ozzy, I even had a gut feeling I wasn’t that month. So I don’t believe they’re always accurate either way.
But I am very sure this is our month. I feel it in my bones. I’m fizzing with excitement. But I feel calm. I feel like it’s ‘when’ I get a positive this weekend, not if. I can feel it so strongly I can almost see it. Almost see you in there if I close my eyes. Same side as your brother, on the right and from the right ovary. Maybe its all in my head. Maybe because we want it so so badly, that desire has spilled out from the daydream part of my brain into the logical part. That has never happened before though, they’ve always been firmly seperated. Magic at work, perhaps?
I don’t believe in symptoms this early. I believe in science and facts. I can tell you all there is to know about implantation and blastocysts and HCG levels. I’m not going to test because I already know it’s not time for a second pink line to appear. But I almost feel like I don’t need to test. Something’s making me feel peaceful and reassured. Someone. You.
This is dangerous. But will I really feel worse for getting carried away if it turns out we didn’t succeed this month? I’ll feel the same either way I think. Disappointed. Despondent. Confused. Angry. Guilty. Impatient. Frustrated. That won’t change. So I may as well enjoy this feeling.
I don’t know why I’m writing this down. If this month ends in disappointment I’ll delete it. But if it doesn’t? I’ll be so pleased I wrote down how I felt. I can’t remember anything from my ‘two week wait’ with Ozzy other than being convinced I wasn’t pregnant. All I have is a photo of the first test. But how did I feel the day before? Did I have twinges and pokes that I ignored? Did I feel a stirring in my universe? What made me test?
Maybe I am more in tune with my body now my uterus has housed a person for 9 months. Do I want it more this time? Yes. I think we were very relaxed about when we would conceive last time and thought it could take a while. This time we know what we want and we want it now. For ourselves, for Ozzy. For all of us. I guess we’ll find out this weekend but for now something is telling me you’re in there, growing bigger by the minute. I can see you developing like those bad graphics on a conception documentary. Burrowing in. Becoming a person. You’re going to be nothing like your brother I can already tell. You’ll look like him - and me obviously (Tom’s features won’t get a look in this time either), but you’re going to be so fiery and determined, you’re already making your presence known. I hope in a few days you’ll confirm what I’ve known all along little firecracker. You’re cooking up a storm in there. "
Thurs 12th October - roughly 7dpo
The next day was Friday 13th and that evening I gave in and tested. Sure enough, there you were - the faintest of faint lines.
I wrote again that weekend:
Sun 15th 10dpo - a proper, unmistakable pink line
"Hello my darling zygote. You’re in there alright, but I knew that. 3 days ago I was scared that you didn’t exist. Now 72 hours later I know you do, and I’m scared this will be temporary. I’m already too attached, how could I not be. I know what it is to watch a faint line fade away and for now all I can do is keep staring at your ever darkening pink line and clutch onto the thought that you’re setting up camp for a cosy 9 months. I hope you’ll be suitably snuggly in there. Your big brother was so comfy that we had to coax him out, but you’re going to take after your mum and be punctual for everything so I’ll see you on the due date I expect. I’m crossing everything that we’ll meet in about 36 weeks. You’re clearly a headstrong little bean and my gut is telling me you’ll be just fine in there. Hopefully in a few days I’ll see Pregnant flash up on a digital test when I can muster up the courage to take one, and we’ll take it from there week by week. Keep holding on tightly little firecracker ❤️"
More entries coming soon, stay tuned...