You see, after 23 days of being a parent, I am now a motherhood guru, a domestic goddess and a fountain of maternal knowledge. Obviously.
So I can give you all of these tips, ask you to share my post with all of your pregnant/parent friends on facebook/instagram (for their sakes of course, not mine..) and feel super smug that I am winning at this parenting thing.
I actually got incredibly lucky to be part of a facebook group of fab women due at the same time as me from mumsnet (yes I used the word fab I'm a mum now remember) and we have all kept eachother semi-sane over the last year. And I have learnt 5 things from them about how to make it seem like you are coping.
1. Buy yourself Ewan. He is a sheep, specifically a "dream" sheep. He is actually a baby whisperer and possibly a God. He has been described to me as crack for babies and as much as I don't condone giving your baby actual crack, there's not a lot I wouldn't do for 4 hours solid sleep at this point. Stick Ewan and his lullaby music on, watch your screaming terror settle down for a decent nap, grab a glass of wine/prosecco/straight gin and pretend you are a fantastic mother with an angelic child, even if only for a few hours. *
2. Have that glass of alcohol. It's fine. Such a small amount gets into your milk anyway and its out after a couple hours. Give yourself a break, you probably deserve one. It isn't going to dry up your milk, and if anything a relaxed mum has a better supply. Not breastfeeding? Jesus, go nuts. Have the whole bottle. Don't even bother with a glass, use a straw. Maybe get someone more responsible than Ewan to watch the baby though.
3. Repeat the mantra "this too will pass". It will. It might seem like groundhog day at the moment but babies don't stay as teeny poop machines forever. Ozzy's night feeds are now 15 minutes further apart than they were last week and that, my friends, is progress 👍🏼
4. Somedays it's enough to just keep your baby warm, fed and to have changed a couple nappies. You don't actually need to be supermum all the time.
5. Definitely don't get bummed out looking at other instagram pages. Yes it looks like other mums are doing a better job, wearing beautiful make up, taking their baby out in a gorgeous outfit and managing to drink a whole fancy coffee while its hot. And good on them for making time to do something nice - this is definitely key to staying sane as a new mum. But you can bet they have also spent a large part of their day at home in stained pyjamas, leaking milk everywhere and cleaning sick off their face.
It's okay to just pretend you are absolutely killing it as a new parent when in reality you are winging it and struggling through each day with your tiny human. Nobody actually has their life together but it's nice to feel like you do once in a while when it's all going tits up. Go and buy Ewan, stick your baby in any old outfit that fits and is mostly clean, and have a drink!
*sadly this post is not sponsored by Ewan the Dream Sheep. Honestly. But if they happen to see this please do send me more sheep, or atleast 800 AAA batteries to power this one for the next 3-5 years.